We have had some long days around here. By 8:30 I'm usually left feeling like I've failed everyone yet again. We were finding a groove and I was functioning again then this thrush crap decided to visit and take over my life. Don't get me wrong, being a wife and Mom of four still had its overwhelming moments, BUT I was figuring it out.
I had managed to convince myself that being a Mom of 4 wouldn't be so hard. It was just one more little person to take care of, no biggie. Yes, I knew there would be adjusting but isn't that what we do in life... adjust?!
I had no idea that my fun, loving, beautiful, funny 5 year old was about to turn into an emotional mess. This mess leaves me in about tears 2 times a day and has my feeling of failure on over-drive. At the end of the night I am left with questions: Am I giving her enough attention? Did I need to be that hard on her? Maybe she can skip cleaning her room today? Maybe I should have played Candyland one more time? Maybe I should have let her...? What if I had handled that differently? What if?
Then I begin to wonder if maybe I spent so much time worrying about how Sophia would adjust I didn't give enough thought to how Alyssa and Bub would feel. Then I wonder, is it just her age? I was pretty emotional at 5. I was an absolute mess at 5. It was the age I became aware of things like sickness, cancer and pregnancy (I once thought I was pregnant because I laid on a bed next to my boyfriend, Jamie, I had myself convinced I was experiencing morning sickness). I also remember writing my Mother terrible hate letters because I felt she treated my brother, Brandon, better than me (to this day I know she she favored him. He was the "good" son. That boy was the reason for 99% of my spankings).
Here are just a few of the things Alyssa said to me today:
*You are not my Mother anymore!
*You are not the Dad, I only listen to my Dad.
*I.... do not.... love you, anymore!
*You cannot tell me what to do!
*I am not your daughter, I am my Dad's daughter only.
*You cannot speak to me like this!! (I love that one)
Alyssa: I am leaving this house!!
Bubby: Where will you go?
Alyssa: Across the street!!
Why, Jesus, did you give me three daughters. Was it that curse my Mother put on me: "I hope you have a daughter that is just as mouthy as you"? Is that it? Am I being punished for the crimes against my own Mother?
*sigh*
It's been a long day. I'm going to go check on my dinner.
I would just like to add that I love my girls. Alyssa may be a drama queen, but all the
fabulous ones are!
(September 27, 2008)